Jaci's Mom

Grave Blanket

2012-01-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

I wanted to make you a red heart grave blanket, I'm so sorry I didn't get it done, I had to work all weekend and ran out of time. I did get a new lighted cross and will get it out today. Your spot at the cemetary is beautiful, just like you, and eventhough you aren't there, I love it when people put things out in rememberence of you. I love you Jaci Lee Payton.

January 17, 2012

2012-01-17T08:09:00.000-08:00

Well, today is the 4th anniversary of Jaci's departure to heaven. I think this year is even worse than last yeat and I thought it was supposed to get easier as time went on??!!! I am so proud that there are so many people that have kept her in their hearts after all this time. She had so many friends and touched so many lives in her short time on earth. She was an amazingly wonderful person inside and out. I love you so much and would give anything to have you back in my arms, even for a minute. I know we will be reunited one day-and I can't wait for that time to get here. I try to remember that you are the lucky one, to be first to get to heaven, but my selfish side wants you back here with us. I will do my best to stay strong today, but please tell those angels up there I need help! I love you to the moon and back baby girl and I'll see you again some day. Mom

January again...

2012-01-05T18:28:00.000-08:00

Well, baby girl, January comes around again. It seems like yesterday it was January 2011! I hate this month and everything about it. Absolutely everything reminds me of you. Calendars, clocks, phones, I mean everything! And sometimes I'm in the most unusual places when it hits me and it hurts so much. I'm trying to make 2012 a better year, to hand everything over to God and let him help me deal with the pain, but it sure is hard, I miss you with all my heart, soul and body. We all do. Dylan moved out this week and it hurts so much to have another child leave home. But I hope maybe we will get along better now. I love you

Missing you

2011-10-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

With this being the anniversary of Courtney, Shanne and Mike's death, it brings back so many memories. I miss you so much it's almost unbearable some days. I would just give anything to hold you one more time, to snuggle on your bed, to take you shopping, to hug your neck or kiss your check or most of all hear you say I love you. I cherish the memories, but NOTHING is like the real thing. I miss you so much and love you with all my heart. Until we meet again.....

Another Birthday comes around...

2011-09-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, September again already. 2 weeks from tomorrow would be Jaci's 20th birthday. I cannot believe she would be all grown up and on her own. As the 23rd gets closer and closer, the hole in my heart aches more and more. Below is something I posted on Facebook a while back.

Just realized that I'm always wanting time to hurry up, wishing it was 5 o'clock, or Friday, then I realized as time goes by, the days, weeks, years, it takes away the ability to remember her as well as I once could. The sound of her voice, the way she walked, the way she smelt, are harder to recall now They say time heals, I disagree, you learn to live without them, but never heal. Time is a cruel thing. It robs your heart of the ability to remember as clearly with each passing minute. Live every minute to the fullest-never wish it away...cherish every minute with your loved ones, for you never know which one will be your last....I love you JACI LEE PAYTON

One of those days...

2011-05-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe so much time has passed since I last posted. Today has just been one of those days so I thought I'd get on and write a little and see if that helps. I was looking at pictures of Jaci today-she was such a beautiful young lady. I try to imagine how much her looks would have changed over the past 3 1/2 years. I wonder if she would be in college or would she have chosen a different path. One of her best friends is graduating this week and it brings back so many memories. I still have a hard time believing my daughter is gone. We recently moved about 15 miles away and I thought it would be so hard to pack her room and leave, and don't get me wrong, it was very hard, but somehow I have come to a peaceful place with it. Eventhough I left her room behind, I have all her things in pretty pink tubs and I think it's kinda made it easier for all of us to not walk past her room every day. I don't mean that in a bad way, we miss it, but I think it was time for us all to take that step and sort of move on. One day while moving, I was in the car with a load of things (none of them hers) and I SMELT HER!! I think that was her way of telling me it's ok if you go. It's so nice when I get those occasional wifts of her beautiful smell. So many of her things still smell like her and I love to hold them and remember when I had her here to hold. I miss her so much.

Thinking of you

2010-11-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

It seems like here lately every time I get in the car I hear a song that reminds me of you. Maybe with the holidays coming up, I'm not sure, but you seem to be on my mind more lately. I miss you so much, I just hate thinking of going thru another year of holidays without you. I am trying to help out with a cause to help prevent distracted driving. I am hoping to help others realize the dangers of distracted driving. Please be with me and give me strength as I try to help others. I love you baby girl

Jaci's Birthday

2010-09-15T14:49:00.001-07:00

I can't believe next week my baby girl would be 19 years old! My heart gets heavier as the day approaches! I don't think I'm going to have a gathering like we have in the past, I think I'm just going to go out to the cemetary and update pictures, clean up and spend some quite time there. I got a message on facebook last week from a little girl in my youngest son's class (10 yrs old) that she had been to the cemetary and some of the pictures had fallen over and she had cleaned up some. She then asked if it was ok to put one of Jaci's pictures in her locker at school. I was so touched that after all this time a little girl who barely knew her was still wanting something to remember her by! I gave her one of my favorite pics to put in her locker. I was so touched my the thought of this little girl. I always love it when people talk about her or mention her name, I talk about her often because I don't want people to forget about her. I miss her so much! It's so hard to explain the hole I feel inside-it's a pain so deep I wouldn't want anyone to have to experience.

September again

2010-09-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Well, Jaci's birthday is coming again. I can't believe she would be 19 years old. Wow, she would be a mature young lady. I still see her as a sweet 16 year old girl. I can just see her as she would have walked across that stage at graduation and how she would be now all grown up. I really wish she was here right now to help with her younger brother. He is having so much trouble and I just can't reach him. Please pray for him. Jaci-please give me the strength I need to give him the help he needs. Happy (early) Birthday baby girl-I love you with all my soul.

Another vacation

2010-07-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

Just got home from a wonderful vacation, but yet another "Family" activity without Jaci. Went to visit my brother at his house on the lake in Arkansas. Jaci had went with us several years back and I still remember that visit. It's like there's just something missing when we do things together and she's not there with us. I can't believe that in just 2 months she would be turning 19! When I think of her I can't think of her being that age, just a sweet 16 year old. I miss her so much. I love you Jaci!

"Jaci's" Quilt

2010-06-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

I finally got my quilt made from pieces of Jaci's clothing and I absolutely love it. The lady who made it did an awesome job. I'm posting pictures so you can see, I wish you could see it in person, because the pictures do not do it justice.

The red outline is from her 8th grade graduation gown. Other pieces include her 8th grade graduation dress, Most beautiful nominee dress, Homecoming nominee dress, baby bloomers, cheerleading suits, basketball suit and pieces of various t-shirts. I love it!

Graduation

2010-05-26T13:29:00.001-07:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted, although I don't think anyone ever visits my site, sometimes it feels good to write. I have to be in a certain mood to get on here. It's been so hard the past few months, Jaci would be graduation next week! I can't believe it. Got the yearbook and was so proud they included her with her class. A lovely memorial page and included her baby pictures with the rest of the class. It's wonderful that after 2 1/2 years people still remember her. Sometimes I still can't believe it's true and my baby girl is gone. I miss her so much. I love you Jaci Lee!

Valentine's Day

2010-02-15T13:04:00.000-08:00

I remember Valentine's day 2008, 28 days after I lost Jaci. I had already planned what I was going to buy her that year for Valentine's day. She had just bought an iPod with a pink cover, I was going to get her the matching pink ear phones. I had actually almost bought them a few times. Now, each year as that day rolls around, I wonder what I would be getting her this year. I miss you so much baby. I can't wait for the day we are together again.

January 17, 2010

2010-01-18T08:22:00.000-08:00

Well, yesterday was the second anniversary of the loss of my baby girl. I can't believe it's only been 2 years. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I didn't break down one time. I don't know if God's working his healing power or maybe the breakdown will hit me today, tonight, who knows. Maybe all the breakdowns I had last week were enough for the weekend too? I miss her so much, I can't believe how bad it hurts, how empty it leaves you inside. I thought losing my mom was devastating. Man, that was easy compared to this. Two years ago today I started my life without Jaci. 730 days since I last got to see her. It's so hard to imagine life going on without her. But it does and we don't have a choice. I know she is in such a wonderful place now and it's just selfish to want her to be here, but the mommy in me wants her here so I can hug and kiss her again. I see her friends growing up and going on with their lives and it hurts so much to know she isn't alongside them getting to do those same things. I hate thinking that as time goes by people will lose their memory of her. She was such a special person, I just want her memory to live on forever. I was looking around at my small church yesterday morning and realized there are 3 Moms there that share this bond. I see Karen and see that there can be life after this and that you can be happy and have a (somewhat) normal life again someday. I just wish I could get to that point.

726 days and counting....

2010-01-13T12:41:00.000-08:00

Sunday will be the second anniversary of loss of my baby girl. 726 days today. The two longest years I can ever imagine, it seems like 2 million years since I got to hug my daughter. To listen to her tell me about her day or hear her and her boyfriend laugh and giggle together. I remember the day before, she cooked supper for us and eventhough it was only Hamburger helper I remember thinking it tasted so good. I remember when she walked out the door-then came running back in because she forgot my car keys, if only I'd known that would be the last time I'd ever see her I'd have stopped her and wrapped my arms around her and never let go. She called me a few minutes later....annoyed with me as usual because I asked her to run an errand for me. An errand that would end her life. Sometimes I wonder what would have changed if I would have been the one to go? Would her precious life have come to an end that day anyway? God was calling her home and she had to go. I miss her so much, the hole is my heart is enormous. I pray for the day when peace will fill it up and overcome me.

We are gathering at the Cemetary Sunday evening to honor her memory.

New pics

2010-01-08T12:13:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to share a new pic and poem that I found when going through some more of Jaci's things. It is so hard to believe it is almost 2 years. It feels like a million years ago since I got to wrap my arms around my baby girl or hear her voice (except for her voicemail message). This has been the longest 2 years of my life. I pray she is sitting with Jesus playing with all those babies in heaven and having the most wonderful time. I love you J.

Learner's permit

2010-01-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

Today I am taking my son Dylan to get his learner's permit. It reminds me of the day I took Jaci. I remember standing in line with her and then letting her drive home. Maybe I should have been a better teacher and she'd still be here now? I don't know, bringing back so many memories.

Second Christmas without her.....

2009-12-24T18:04:00.000-08:00

Well, this is the second Christmas without Jaci. I think I did pretty good until today. I was in the kitchen getting the food ready and it just hit my, that a member of my family won't be here with us and I broke down. We were taking pics in front of the tree and I remember when she would be in the pics too. she always hated it of course. I wonder what I would have gotten her this year?? Clothes as always I'm sure. She never would let me pick anything out so I had to take her shopping and let her pick them out and then I'd have her wrap them and put them under the tree!! I miss our shopping trips....I miss everything about her, even the tantrums. I bet she's having a beautiful Christmas with Jesus. She has everything now she ever wanted. I can't wait to be with her again. I love you Jaci Lee

Lonely night

2009-12-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it's going to be another long night. Took my sleeping medicine and it's just not helping. Was going through some of Jaci's things for the quilt and found a brochure she had made and it talked about her favorite things, etc, I didn't know some of it and it made me sad, I have it on my night stand and I saw it tonight and it got me started thinking about her and now I can't stop. I miss her so much, my heart still aches every day and it's been almost two whole years. Will it ever ease.....will my life ever be better, sometimes I wonder. I just can't stand to think about the things she will never get to do, all her friends are getting ready to graduate and start a whole new stage in their lives. Some have even had babies. I know she would have been a wonderful mother and I hate that she never got to experience that. I so much loved being pregnant. I will never get the chance to help her plan her wedding, pick out her dress and flowers and see her walk down the aisle to the man she loves and wants to spend her life with. But I guess knowing the man she's spending her life with now is Jesus Christ and that is a comfort to know. Please send prayers my way during this holiday season.

Quilt

2009-12-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

About a year ago I came up with an idea to have a quilt made of some of Jaci's clothes. I found a lady here in town who actually had lost her son in an accident and she volunteered to make it. Now, almost a year later, I got up the courage to go thru her things, give the lady a call and today she came over and we went thru different patterns and made decisions on design etc. It was hard to watch Jaci's things leave the house, but I can't wait to see the quilt, to wrap up in special memories will all be worth it. I went in her room last night and just sat on her bed and smelt her. I love that her room still smells like her and it's been almost two whole years!! I so dread the day when that smell fades and I lose another piece of her. But for now, I love to open her door and have that smell come over me. Hope everyone has a blessed Christmas.

Lighting of the Angels

2009-11-29T08:22:00.000-08:00

Our small town has a ceremony each year where they "light up" an angel in memory of a loved one. Last night we went to the lighting (Jaci actually has 3 Angels-one from us, one from her school and one from her Granny). Here are some pics. You might not can tell, but in one, the wings on 2 angels touch and there is a gold ribbon tying them together, the other angel was a very good friend of Jaci's who died in a car wreck 9 months after Jaci. They are now together forever.

Cruise

2009-11-14T15:55:00.000-08:00

Well, we made it back from our cruise, everything was so beautiful. Got sea sick the first night, really bad.....been home 24 hours and still feel like I'm walking crooked! Guiltily, I have to say I actually went 3-4 days in a row without being sad. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think Jaci would be ok with it that I had a good time and didn't cry once while I was gone. Now I need some time to rest before work Monday.

Best Friends

2009-11-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

Here are Jaci and her "Best Buds" Ash, Sam and Court (Court is in heaven with Jaci).

Senior's last pep rally

2009-11-06T10:30:00.000-08:00

Today is the senior class's last pep rally (Jaci's class) I am going (hoping I can get the courage to go at least). They are showing a slide show and she is in it and they are forming a circle and singing the school song and leaving a spot open between 2 friends where she would be standing. I know I will be bawling like a baby, but I don't feel like I can miss it......please pray to give me strength.

Well I made it, had a small break down but not too bad, that's me on the far left (red shirt)by the boy in the jersey , that's Ty, he was like a brother to Jaci, they were so close. You'll also notice a space between the cheerleader and the dark haired girl in the gray shirt, that was a place for Courtney. She is in heaven with Jaci, they were very good friends, she died in a car accident 10 months after Jaci.

Pictures

2009-11-04T09:16:00.001-08:00

I guess because I'm missing her sooo much today, I just wanted to put up some more pics of her. She was always being so silly for the camera.

Cruise

2009-11-04T08:57:00.000-08:00

I am counting down the days until my husband and I leave on our cruise to Key West and Cozumel. (We leave next Monday!) But while I wanted this week to be an exciting one, counting the days, getting everything ready, it has been a very hard week for me, I am missing Jaci so much, I keep thinking about this new adventure-and think that my baby will never get to go somewhere so fun and beautiful, she never even got a chance to fly in an airplane! There were so many things she didn't get to do, get married, experience the wonderment of being pregnant and holding that precious baby in your arms. I know she would have made a wonderful mom, I can just see her up there playing with all those babies. I love you baby girl, watch over us and give me strength. I'm sure where you are is so much more beautiful than any of us can begin to imagine.

My step daughter-Chelsea

2009-11-03T09:12:00.000-08:00

This is my step-daughter Chelsea. She is 18, graduated from high school this past June and moved out on her own in August. I would like for you to help us pray for Chelsea. She is not doing very well right now, not making wise, adult decisions. I am afraid she is heading down the wrong path and I don't know what to do. She had plans to attend college and we were so excited and proud, but a few months before graduation, everything changed, she started skipping school, lost interest and now everything has just changed so much. She and Jaci were only about 6 weeks apart in age, but as different as night and day! I think she has a hard time with all that, they were not close and I think she regrets that now that it's too late to change it. It's been an adjustment for us all. The picture is with her dad at her high school graduation this past June.

Homecoming

2009-11-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

I was looking through some pictures this morning and saw this one and just had to post it, it's such a different look than the pics I have posted of Jaci. She was a homecoming queen nominee in October 2007, although she didn't win, I think she was the most beautiful one there!! But you can see for yourself.

My oldest son-Dylan

2009-11-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

This is Dylan, he and Jaci are from a previous marriage. He turned 15 in July. Dylan has really been a challenge, he is ALL BOY. Seems like he's constantly getting into trouble of some sort. I do love him with all my heart and know that he hurts so much from the loss of his big sister, they were so close. He's at an age where he just doesn't open up-I try so hard to get him to talk to me, but he holds it all in. So I pray a lot for him. This picture is from last month when we went bowling. It's so nice when Dylan and his little brother get along (doesn't happen often), so I had to capture it on camera!

My other children

2009-11-01T12:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't talked much about the rest of my family, so I thought I'd start with my youngest. This is Jacob, he turned 9 in June. He is the only child that my husband and I have together. Jaci and my other son are from my previous marriage and I also have a step daughter. Jacob is a momma's boy! It drives my husband crazy, but I love it. Eventhough they share lots in common, such as Playstation and football, we know when it comes down to it, it's mom he wants. Jacob is a lot like his dad, they both spoil me and are always there for me. After the accident, they always made sure I wasn't alone. Jacob would worry about going to a friend's house if it meant leaving me home alone, isn't that sweet. He is such a joy, spoiled rotten!! But a joy. Here's a pic of him jammin' (he also gets that from his dad).

Prayer

2009-10-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

I know I already posted once today, but I guess I'm making up for the times I go weeks without posting! But I am so proud of my family and had to blog about it. I have been praying for quite some time that we could start praying as a family, my teenage son is not at all interested in church, prayer and anything of the sort, my 9 year old does pretty good, my hubby (God bless him) goes to church and everything with me, but I know struggles, but for 2 nights in a row we have prayed ALL TOGETHER AS A FAMILY, the first night my husband actually said the prayer-a hugh step for him, and the second my 9 year old. I am so happy.

Playlist added

2009-10-30T11:27:00.000-07:00

Well thanks to a wonderful new friend, I learned how to post a playlist on my blog!! You'll notice I copied several songs from Angie Smith's blog, if you're not familiar with her, she is such a wonderful, inspirational woman, her site is "audreycaroline.blogspot.com. The Taylor Swift songs are Jaci's favorite and the Chris Tomlin, Chris Rice and Natalie Grant songs are from her funeral. I want to thank my sister for introducing me to those wonderful songs. They were just right for her. Thank again Joy for you wonderfully step by step instructions, they were perfect.

Help

2009-10-20T07:03:00.001-07:00

I would love to add a playlist to my blog but have no idea, can someone help me?

Good days....Bad days

2009-10-20T06:58:00.000-07:00

For some reason, seems like the bad days are once again starting to out weigh the good ones. I know some of you may think I've lost my mind, but sometimes when I'm at home sitting on the couch reading or watching tv, I actually watch a whiff of my daughter! It's the same smell that overwhelms me when I walk in her room, a mixture of Holister perfume and baby powder. I love the smell and dread the day when that smell leaves her room. But Sunday morning at church, for the first time, I smelt her somewhere besides our home. I kept smelling her all during the service, I guess maybe she was there with me. I hope so. I miss her so much. Am I crazy or does anyone else have those experiences??/

October 14 2008 anniversary

2009-10-15T07:24:00.001-07:00

Well, yesterday was the one year anniversary of the SECOND accident that rocked our small community. The accident involved the father of Jaci's best friend as well as a good friend of Jaci's. Both died at the scene as well as another student from our town. One girl did survive, but will be disabled the rest of her live. After only 9 months of trying to recover from Jaci's accident, we were all devastated at this. I ask that you pray for all involved-especially Jaci's best friend, losing Jaci was so tramatic for her, but then 9 short months later she loses her father as well as 2 more classmates. She is a wonderful young lady and I worry so much about her. Please remember our town and so many who have been affected by these losses.

Finding my faith

2009-10-09T12:18:00.001-07:00

Every since reading Angie Smith's blog site, I have been working so hard to "Find my Faith" and remain true to it. Isn't it hard? Everyday living just seems to get in the way. We stay so busy with work, kids, hubbys, homework, housework that I know I forget to even think about God or pray. At the end of the day I think to myself that I haven't even let God enter my mind all day and it makes me sad. So I'm asking for prayers to help me with this. I think having strong faith helps to deal with the problems/trials you come across everyday. I know I've been a little more at ease with the pain of losing Jaci since my faith has improved. Hope everyone has a great weekend. God bless!

Jaci's Birthday

2009-09-29T06:16:00.001-07:00

Well, I actually did better than I thought I would. I made it thru Jaci's 18th Birthday and only broke down once!! And that was at the gathering we had at the cemetary. Everything turned out really nice. We had made a cd of her favorite songs and played that, I made a poster board with pics of her since she was a baby up until her teen years. I handed out red roses and we laid those on her grave. I also had little picture books made with our fav pics and gave those out. We released 18 red balloons. I wanted it to be a happy time, to remember all the happy times, but I just couldn't control the emotions and did break down. I think my faith is stronger and that contributed to my strength that day.

Jaci's Birthday

2009-09-21T13:03:00.000-07:00

Well, this is the week. In 2 days my baby would be 18 years old. It's hard to believe I'm old enough for that!!! We have some pretty special things planned for that day. I'm trying to turn it over to God and let him lead me through this week, as well as the ones to follow.

Hello

2009-09-14T12:30:00.001-07:00

Hello, and welcome to my blog. Wow, my very first blog. This "blog" thing is still new to me so for now I'm just going to say hello and welcome. I am hoping to connect with other parents who are in the same situation as I am and welcome comments, suggestions, etc.