Holidays suck

Well, this is the 8th Christmas and it's still as hard as ever. Some times I feel stupid because I feel like after all this time I should be able to handle it better. I try to imagine you coming over for Christmas, playing with Katie and Serinadee, I wonder if you would have a child of your own. Would you be married? Single? Greg and Jenna are having a baby this spring and it hurts to even think about it, I always wonder if you two would have made it. January 17th is slowly approaching and I sure dread that day. I've been having visions of the accident. What you might have experienced that day. I can't imagine the way my poor baby ended up. Laying on that cold ground waiting on someone to come get you. I'm so glad it was Cindy. She told me how she held you and rubbed your tummy. I look back now and wish I could have seen you that night. Felt you while you were still warm. I miss you so much, I never knew the pain could be so harsh and last so long. Losing my parents was painful, but nothing like losing your child. The whole in my heart is so big and empty. I can't wait until we meet again and I can smell your beautiful perfume and see those big blue eyes. Until them my sweet girl, please watch over all of us. Mom loves you to the moon and back.

Always missing you....

I read this today and it made me think....this is exactly how it feels. I will never ever stop missing you. I will never ever stop thinking of you each and every day. I will never ever stop loving you. I will always cherish every second I had with you. I will always keep your memory alive. I will always talk about you and show people your pictures. I will always be so proud of the beautiful young lady that you had become. I miss you with all my heart and soul. MOM "Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them." Richard Gere

Happy heavenly birthday sweet girl. Wow-I cannot believe you would be 24 years old today. I will always think of you as my sweet 16 young lady. I still listen to your voice mail....you sound like a little girl. I am so glad I have your voice to listen to. I can't imagine what I would do without it. There are so many wonderful family and friends supporting me today and during this month. I am so lucky to have them. I'm determined to make today a good day and not cry too much, but it sure is hard. I just want to celebrate 1 more birthday with you. I want to see those beautiful eyes in person. I want to smell your perfume one more time. I want to feel your warm skin one more time. I want to snuggle with you and watch tv one more time. I know it's selfish because you must be having the most amazing time in Heaven that you would rather be there than anywhere. Serinadee plays with your baby doll bed and so does Katie. I want them to know who you are. Serinadee already knows Jaci lives in Heaven with Jesus and some day we will get to go see you. I will teach Katie all about her Aunt Jaci. Send me some Angel kisses today sweet girl. Mom loves you to the moon and back and around the world. Always and forever until I see your sweet smile again.

Missing you

My sweet baby girl. You cannot imagine how very much I miss you. Every single day there is something that reminds me of you and that beautiful smile. It's so hard to stay strong. It's so hard not to let this whole thing consume me. Even after all these years sometimes that pain is as fresh as it was that day in January. I miss our shopping trips. Those beautiful blue eyes. That smile. Your voice. I still listen to your voicemail. You sound like such a little girl. It's so hard to believe you would be almost 24 years old! A grown woman. I can't imagine what you would be doing and how much you would have changed. I look at Katie and it makes me sad that you are not the one who is raising a daughter. You would be such an amazing mom. You can't believe what an awesome mom Chelsea is. I never would have thought it would be her married with kids. Who knew??? But she and Daniel are awesome parents. You would like Daniel. He's so good for Chelsea. They are a great couple. I love you to the moon and back.