Missing you

With this being the anniversary of Courtney, Shanne and Mike's death, it brings back so many memories. I miss you so much it's almost unbearable some days. I would just give anything to hold you one more time, to snuggle on your bed, to take you shopping, to hug your neck or kiss your check or most of all hear you say I love you. I cherish the memories, but NOTHING is like the real thing. I miss you so much and love you with all my heart. Until we meet again.....

Another Birthday comes around...

Well, here it is, September again already. 2 weeks from tomorrow would be Jaci's 20th birthday. I cannot believe she would be all grown up and on her own. As the 23rd gets closer and closer, the hole in my heart aches more and more. Below is something I posted on Facebook a while back.

Just realized that I'm always wanting time to hurry up, wishing it was 5 o'clock, or Friday, then I realized as time goes by, the days, weeks, years, it takes away the ability to remember her as well as I once could. The sound of her voice, the way she walked, the way she smelt, are harder to recall now They say time heals, I disagree, you learn to live without them, but never heal. Time is a cruel thing. It robs your heart of the ability to remember as clearly with each passing minute. Live every minute to the fullest-never wish it away...cherish every minute with your loved ones, for you never know which one will be your last....I love you JACI LEE PAYTON

One of those days...

Wow, I can't believe so much time has passed since I last posted. Today has just been one of those days so I thought I'd get on and write a little and see if that helps. I was looking at pictures of Jaci today-she was such a beautiful young lady. I try to imagine how much her looks would have changed over the past 3 1/2 years. I wonder if she would be in college or would she have chosen a different path. One of her best friends is graduating this week and it brings back so many memories. I still have a hard time believing my daughter is gone. We recently moved about 15 miles away and I thought it would be so hard to pack her room and leave, and don't get me wrong, it was very hard, but somehow I have come to a peaceful place with it. Eventhough I left her room behind, I have all her things in pretty pink tubs and I think it's kinda made it easier for all of us to not walk past her room every day. I don't mean that in a bad way, we miss it, but I think it was time for us all to take that step and sort of move on. One day while moving, I was in the car with a load of things (none of them hers) and I SMELT HER!! I think that was her way of telling me it's ok if you go. It's so nice when I get those occasional wifts of her beautiful smell. So many of her things still smell like her and I love to hold them and remember when I had her here to hold. I miss her so much.

Thinking of you

It seems like here lately every time I get in the car I hear a song that reminds me of you. Maybe with the holidays coming up, I'm not sure, but you seem to be on my mind more lately. I miss you so much, I just hate thinking of going thru another year of holidays without you. I am trying to help out with a cause to help prevent distracted driving. I am hoping to help others realize the dangers of distracted driving. Please be with me and give me strength as I try to help others. I love you baby girl

Jaci's Birthday

I can't believe next week my baby girl would be 19 years old! My heart gets heavier as the day approaches! I don't think I'm going to have a gathering like we have in the past, I think I'm just going to go out to the cemetary and update pictures, clean up and spend some quite time there. I got a message on facebook last week from a little girl in my youngest son's class (10 yrs old) that she had been to the cemetary and some of the pictures had fallen over and she had cleaned up some. She then asked if it was ok to put one of Jaci's pictures in her locker at school. I was so touched that after all this time a little girl who barely knew her was still wanting something to remember her by! I gave her one of my favorite pics to put in her locker. I was so touched my the thought of this little girl. I always love it when people talk about her or mention her name, I talk about her often because I don't want people to forget about her. I miss her so much! It's so hard to explain the hole I feel inside-it's a pain so deep I wouldn't want anyone to have to experience.

September again

Well, Jaci's birthday is coming again. I can't believe she would be 19 years old. Wow, she would be a mature young lady. I still see her as a sweet 16 year old girl. I can just see her as she would have walked across that stage at graduation and how she would be now all grown up. I really wish she was here right now to help with her younger brother. He is having so much trouble and I just can't reach him. Please pray for him. Jaci-please give me the strength I need to give him the help he needs. Happy (early) Birthday baby girl-I love you with all my soul.

Another vacation

Just got home from a wonderful vacation, but yet another "Family" activity without Jaci. Went to visit my brother at his house on the lake in Arkansas. Jaci had went with us several years back and I still remember that visit. It's like there's just something missing when we do things together and she's not there with us. I can't believe that in just 2 months she would be turning 19! When I think of her I can't think of her being that age, just a sweet 16 year old. I miss her so much. I love you Jaci!