Hey beautiful girl

I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've written, but I do think about you every single day.  Jacob graduates next week.  I can't believe he's all grown up.  You would be so proud of him, he's such a good kid. I remember when he would want to sleep in your room every night and watch movies with you.  You were such a good big sister. I love the pictures I have of you and him.  He's going to Midwestern and wants to be a detective.  I wonder all the time what you would be doing. Married? Kids? I can't believe Chelsea has 2 kids, I never thought she'd be the mommy type, but she's a wonderful mother.  It makes me so sad to see Jacob doing these things you never got to do...Prom, graduation, college planning.  I've cried so many times the past few months.  Tori is getting married the day after Jacob's graduation and she is playing Stay Beautiful at the reception in remembrance of you.  So many people still honor your memory.  Ronnie includes me in him family activities and come to see me.  I love that he named his baby Jaci.  Him and his wife wear your bracelets every day, so does Ashlynn.  You should see her baby girl, her eyes look like yours. Big and blue with beautiful lashes.  We all miss you terribly.  I can't ever begin to tell you how much it hurts and how this hole in my heart aches for you every minute of every day. I love you to the moon and back and around the world.

Missing you

I was on my way home from work and 2 songs from the funeral played. I'm not sure if it was you telling me it's all ok or what, but I sure do miss you when I hear those songs. I can't believe 8 years have gone by since I last saw your sweet face. I was looking at one of my favorite pictures of you-from our vacation at Terry's-and I just stared at your smile. I didn't realize the beauty you captured in that lovely face and body. I guess sometimes life just gets busy and you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I miss that sweet voice. Your smile, your eyes. Every little thing about you, even your whining and nagging. I would give anything to have those things back. Serinadee talks about you all the time. She used your Easter basket Sunday. She has a picture of you in her room. I know you would absolutely love her. She's so sassy just like you. I taught Katie how to say your name and now when she sees your picture on the refrigerator, she can say your name. I love keeping your memory alive. When Katie is older I will tell her all about you. I love you sweet baby girl and I will see you again one day.


Here we are at Easter, sure wish we had your babies with us. I love you
Mom

Well, it's January again. 8 long years have passed since I saw your beautiful face or heard your sweet voice. I miss you so much, I never knew there was such pain in this world. I long for the day when we will meet again. The smell of your perfume.....the sound of your voice. I see signs of you and I know you are with me. Thank you for sending me those signs to help me through the difficult days. I will never forget the last time I saw you running out the front door. Or hearing your voice over the phone that fateful afternoon. I remember the shirt you had on. I remember you and Sam sitting at the computer. I wish I could turn back the clock and do that afternoon all over again. I hate that time takes away the memories. Sometimes I can't remember what my life was like "before". I wonder every day what you would be doing. You would be so in love with Serinadee and Katie. Serinadee talks about you and knows you are an angel in Heaven. She talks about going to see you one day. I know you would spoil those girls rotten and they would love you so much. I know you were so good with kids and you would be a wonderful mother. I wish I could have seen you become one. I love you MOM

Holidays suck

Well, this is the 8th Christmas and it's still as hard as ever. Some times I feel stupid because I feel like after all this time I should be able to handle it better. I try to imagine you coming over for Christmas, playing with Katie and Serinadee, I wonder if you would have a child of your own. Would you be married? Single? Greg and Jenna are having a baby this spring and it hurts to even think about it, I always wonder if you two would have made it. January 17th is slowly approaching and I sure dread that day. I've been having visions of the accident. What you might have experienced that day. I can't imagine the way my poor baby ended up. Laying on that cold ground waiting on someone to come get you. I'm so glad it was Cindy. She told me how she held you and rubbed your tummy. I look back now and wish I could have seen you that night. Felt you while you were still warm. I miss you so much, I never knew the pain could be so harsh and last so long. Losing my parents was painful, but nothing like losing your child. The whole in my heart is so big and empty. I can't wait until we meet again and I can smell your beautiful perfume and see those big blue eyes. Until them my sweet girl, please watch over all of us. Mom loves you to the moon and back.

Always missing you....

I read this today and it made me think....this is exactly how it feels. I will never ever stop missing you. I will never ever stop thinking of you each and every day. I will never ever stop loving you. I will always cherish every second I had with you. I will always keep your memory alive. I will always talk about you and show people your pictures. I will always be so proud of the beautiful young lady that you had become. I miss you with all my heart and soul. MOM "Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them." Richard Gere

Happy heavenly birthday sweet girl. Wow-I cannot believe you would be 24 years old today. I will always think of you as my sweet 16 young lady. I still listen to your voice mail....you sound like a little girl. I am so glad I have your voice to listen to. I can't imagine what I would do without it. There are so many wonderful family and friends supporting me today and during this month. I am so lucky to have them. I'm determined to make today a good day and not cry too much, but it sure is hard. I just want to celebrate 1 more birthday with you. I want to see those beautiful eyes in person. I want to smell your perfume one more time. I want to feel your warm skin one more time. I want to snuggle with you and watch tv one more time. I know it's selfish because you must be having the most amazing time in Heaven that you would rather be there than anywhere. Serinadee plays with your baby doll bed and so does Katie. I want them to know who you are. Serinadee already knows Jaci lives in Heaven with Jesus and some day we will get to go see you. I will teach Katie all about her Aunt Jaci. Send me some Angel kisses today sweet girl. Mom loves you to the moon and back and around the world. Always and forever until I see your sweet smile again.

Missing you

My sweet baby girl. You cannot imagine how very much I miss you. Every single day there is something that reminds me of you and that beautiful smile. It's so hard to stay strong. It's so hard not to let this whole thing consume me. Even after all these years sometimes that pain is as fresh as it was that day in January. I miss our shopping trips. Those beautiful blue eyes. That smile. Your voice. I still listen to your voicemail. You sound like such a little girl. It's so hard to believe you would be almost 24 years old! A grown woman. I can't imagine what you would be doing and how much you would have changed. I look at Katie and it makes me sad that you are not the one who is raising a daughter. You would be such an amazing mom. You can't believe what an awesome mom Chelsea is. I never would have thought it would be her married with kids. Who knew??? But she and Daniel are awesome parents. You would like Daniel. He's so good for Chelsea. They are a great couple. I love you to the moon and back.

Babies...babies...babies

Wow, I can't believe all the things that have been going on since I posted last! Chelsea's baby is due in 8 short weeks! I can't believe it's her and not you having a little girl! Ronnie C came to see me last weekend and he brought his daughter and step daughter...they are so precious. It seems like everywhere I look people are having baby girls and it just reminds me of how good you were with babies and what an awesome mother you would be. Jacob started high school today. It's hard to believe, isn't it. I think about how little he was when you left and how much he loved you...sleeping in your room...watching movies with you. You were like a little mommy to him and he loves you so. I wish he had more memories, but I tell him stuff about you all the time so he will never forget you. I love you baby and miss you with all my heart and soul. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and wonder how different life would be with you here. See you again some day. Mom

Christmas

I can't believe another Christmas is here-without you. This holiday season has been the hardest in a long time. I went to the cemetary today and I completely failed this year. I did not put out a tree, Christmas flowers or anything. I feel just awful. It just doesn't seem like Christmas this year. I miss you so much-I wish I had just one more Christmas with you. I know you are celebrating with the angels, family and friends, but we sure miss you here. I love you and miss you to the moon and back.

October-brings back lots of memories

Wow, what an emotional month. This month holds lots of hard days for many of my friends and for myself. I'm going to borrow a word I read on a blogsite called "An inch of gray" when she refers to the anniversary of the loss of her son, that word is "Crapaversary". This month was the "crapaversary" of the passing of 2 of Jaci's friends-they died in a car accident 10 months after Jaci, plus the 10 year crapaversary of the loss of a sweet friend's son-the day before his 10th birthday. The 18th was the heavenly birthday of Kyle, Jaci's boyfriend's best friend, he lost his battle with cancer 5 months after we lost our sweet Jaci. He would be 25. Hard to believe these kids would be grown adults. I still think of them as the age they were when they left us. 2008 was a very tough time for our small community. Seems like from September thru January are such hard months. I do my best to stay busy and hand my grief to God, but even after almost 6 years, it is so hard. Remembering how Jaci loved Thanksgiving-makes that a bittersweet time for me, remember how Jaci always made me take her Christmas shopping so she could make sure everything I got her was just what she wanted, them how she would get mad because I would make her wrap the presents and wait to wear her new clothes until after she unwrapped them. I missed those shopping trips! I miss those temper tantrums! I miss Jaci and my old life.

Well, I can't believe I didn't post on Jaci's Birthday this year (September 23rd). My computer was on the fritz and I couldn't get to the blog. It was a so-so day. I've had better and I've had worse. Birthdays, holidays, or just a random day. It hits you like a ton of bricks. You never know when the smallest thing will trigger a memory that will crush you. Although memories are amazing and I cherish every single one, even the bad ones, but sometimes they can sideswipe you and you are left reeling from the damage. I am truly amazed at how many people remembered my sweet girl with texts or posts on Facebook. You never realize how much someone touches lives until they are gone. We went out the Sunday before her birthday and cleaned up at the wreck site, put new flowers and pics up. I have only been out there a few times in the past 5 1/2 years. It's just so hard to be at the place where she left us. We also put out new pics and cleaned up the cemetary. She has such a beautiful resting place, I love going out and finding new things people have left. Some things are so odd to us (a beer bottle) but I'm sure to her and someone else they have wonderful memories. For now I will cherish the sweet memories of my sweet girl and try not to let them catch me off guard. I love you Jaci Lee.

Beam me up

I heard this song on the radio this morning, and it made me just cry like a baby. It made me think if I just had one minute with Jaci, if I could hold her face in my hands just for a moment, how amazing that would be. The words are just so touching. So if you are up to a good cry, and you haven't heard it, Google Pink's song-Beam me up. If you've lost someone you I, it will definately bring on the tears. "Beam Me Up" There's a whole 'nother conversation going on In a parallel universe. Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts. There's a waltz playin' frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're lookin' at me. Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think a minute's enough, Just beam me up. Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky, Barely a breath I caught one last sight Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye, There are times I feel the shiver and cold, It only happens when I'm on my own, That's how you tell me I'm not alone Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think a minute's enough, Just beam me up. In my head I see your baby blues I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's One of me, with you So when I need you can I send you a sign I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights I'll pick a star and watch you shine Just beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute's enough, Beam me up Beam me up Beam me up Could you beam me up.

It's crazy how time flies, I can't believe I haven't posted since January. I may not post often, but trust me there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Jaci.  There is a constant reminder at every turn of every day. I still "smell" her baby powder scent at times and it just reminds me that she will always be with me even if it's not in body but spirit. I love how sometimes just the smallest things can bring back an amazing memory of my sweet girl. My father in law passed away recently, and it made me realize just how precious life can be and how fast someone you love can be taken from you.  So, remember, kiss your loved ones often, tell them you love them daily and never take a moment for granted.  You never know when the last time you see/talk to someone, will actually be the "last" time you see/talk to them! I would have kissed and hugged my baby girl the last time she walked out the front door if I had know it truly was the last time. I love and miss you Jaci Lee.

Crazy week

It has been a crazy week. Last Sunday I found out a friend of mine from high school had passed away in her sleep. Then the following Saturday a famous DJ passed away. Both were very sudden and unexpected. While I hadn't talked to my friend in a while and I didn't personally know the DJ-I listened to him every morning for over 10 years. It made me realize (not that I could ever forget) that life is so precious and we never know when it will be taken from us. Remember to kiss your loved ones every chance you get. Take as many pictures as possible of your kids and cherish every single minute you get with family and loved ones. Live life to the fullest and as Kidd Kraddick always said "Keep looking up, cause that's where it's all at."

I cannot believe it has been 5 years since the last time I saw you. It feels like an eternity-a hundred years since the last time I saw your face or hugged you. It's still so unreal that you are gone. You would be such a beautiful grown up 21 year old young lady. The whole in my heart is just waiting for the day when we will see each other again. I can't wait. I miss you so much it hurts. Love you to the moon and around the world.

The things left behind....

We'll talk. We'll talk about the regrets and what-ifs and the senses of foreboding. We'll talk about an ache so deep that it can't be named. We'll talk about the excruciating pain of looking at young girls and the feeling that I want to hug those kids so tightly, or scream at them because they are alive and my kid is not. Or both. We'll talk about her bed left unmade that day (which was ok because I went and crawled under the covers as soon as I got home that day; the regret that I had done all her laundry that morning and couldn't find anything of hers to smell but her sheets, the make up left out on her vanity (the one I had searched for months to find, had put together myself and set up in her room and surprised her when she came home from school). We'll talk about friends and family holding us up when we couldn't standWe'll talk about her favorite songs-that still break my heart to hear on the radio 4 years later. We will fill our hearts with memories, good and bad; We'll long for the day when we get to wrap our arms around her again and kiss the heart ache good-bye.

Missing you.....

Less than 2 weeks from your 21st Birthday.  I miss you so much. This month has already been so hard. Ashlyn and Courtney are having a hard time too.  Tori got a tattoo yesterday-the JP butterfly. There are so many people who have gotten tattoos in your memory. You made such a lasting impression on so many people's lives, it's truly amazing. I'm so proud to be your mom. I wish I could give you a great big birthday hug, my heart aches so much for you. I can't wait to see you again. I LOVE YOU

Almost time for your Birthday again

I can't believe in a month from tomorrow you would be 21 years old.  You would be a grown up young lady.  I try to picture what you would be doing with your life.  If you'd be in college or working? Single or married? Baby??  It's so hard to believe you are gone. Sometimes I just can't believe it is reality.   I miss you so much, and Birthdays, holidays, etc are always so hard. Especially this one, you'd be "legal". I miss you with all my heart and I love you "to the moon and back". Watch over us all sweet baby girl. Mom loves you.

Been missing you sooo much lately.  Another one of the girls in your class had a baby.  Can't believe all these kids are so grown.  Can't believe you'd be almost 21! Wish you were here so I could see what you would be doing with your life. I love you baby and miss you with all my heart.

Valentine's day

Happy Valentines day sweet girl. Wow, having a really hard day for some reason. Keep remembering how I had already picked out what to get you for Valentine's day (pink ear buds to match your new I-Pod). First time I had picked out something so early. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's been 4 years and you'd be 21 this year. I miss watching you grow up, going shopping, even watching you throw your little tantrums!!! I love you so much baby girl and miss you with every ounce of my being. Can't wait to see you again.