The things left behind....

We'll talk. We'll talk about the regrets and what-ifs and the senses of foreboding. We'll talk about an ache so deep that it can't be named. We'll talk about the excruciating pain of looking at young girls and the feeling that I want to hug those kids so tightly, or scream at them because they are alive and my kid is not. Or both. We'll talk about her bed left unmade that day (which was ok because I went and crawled under the covers as soon as I got home that day; the regret that I had done all her laundry that morning and couldn't find anything of hers to smell but her sheets, the make up left out on her vanity (the one I had searched for months to find, had put together myself and set up in her room and surprised her when she came home from school). We'll talk about friends and family holding us up when we couldn't standWe'll talk about her favorite songs-that still break my heart to hear on the radio 4 years later. We will fill our hearts with memories, good and bad; We'll long for the day when we get to wrap our arms around her again and kiss the heart ache good-bye.

Missing you.....

Less than 2 weeks from your 21st Birthday.  I miss you so much. This month has already been so hard. Ashlyn and Courtney are having a hard time too.  Tori got a tattoo yesterday-the JP butterfly. There are so many people who have gotten tattoos in your memory. You made such a lasting impression on so many people's lives, it's truly amazing. I'm so proud to be your mom. I wish I could give you a great big birthday hug, my heart aches so much for you. I can't wait to see you again. I LOVE YOU

Almost time for your Birthday again

I can't believe in a month from tomorrow you would be 21 years old.  You would be a grown up young lady.  I try to picture what you would be doing with your life.  If you'd be in college or working? Single or married? Baby??  It's so hard to believe you are gone. Sometimes I just can't believe it is reality.   I miss you so much, and Birthdays, holidays, etc are always so hard. Especially this one, you'd be "legal". I miss you with all my heart and I love you "to the moon and back". Watch over us all sweet baby girl. Mom loves you.

Been missing you sooo much lately.  Another one of the girls in your class had a baby.  Can't believe all these kids are so grown.  Can't believe you'd be almost 21! Wish you were here so I could see what you would be doing with your life. I love you baby and miss you with all my heart.

Valentine's day

Happy Valentines day sweet girl. Wow, having a really hard day for some reason. Keep remembering how I had already picked out what to get you for Valentine's day (pink ear buds to match your new I-Pod). First time I had picked out something so early. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's been 4 years and you'd be 21 this year. I miss watching you grow up, going shopping, even watching you throw your little tantrums!!! I love you so much baby girl and miss you with every ounce of my being. Can't wait to see you again.

Grave Blanket

I wanted to make you a red heart grave blanket, I'm so sorry I didn't get it done, I had to work all weekend and ran out of time. I did get a new lighted cross and will get it out today. Your spot at the cemetary is beautiful, just like you, and eventhough you aren't there, I love it when people put things out in rememberence of you. I love you Jaci Lee Payton.

January 17, 2012

Well, today is the 4th anniversary of Jaci's departure to heaven. I think this year is even worse than last year and I thought it was supposed to get easier as time went on??!!! I am so proud that there are so many people that have kept her in their hearts after all this time. She had so many friends and touched so many lives in her short time on earth. She was an amazingly wonderful person inside and out. I love you so much and would give anything to have you back in my arms, even for a minute. I know we will be reunited one day-and I can't wait for that time to get here. I try to remember that you are the lucky one, to be first to get to heaven, but my selfish side wants you back here with us. I will do my best to stay strong today, but please tell those angels up there I need help! I love you to the moon and back baby girl and I'll see you again some day. Mom

January again...

Well, baby girl, January comes around again. It seems like yesterday it was January 2011! I hate this month and everything about it. Absolutely everything reminds me of you. Calendars, clocks, phones, I mean everything! And sometimes I'm in the most unusual places when it hits me and it hurts so much. I'm trying to make 2012 a better year, to hand everything over to God and let him help me deal with the pain, but it sure is hard, I miss you with all my heart, soul and body. We all do. Dylan moved out this week and it hurts so much to have another child leave home. But I hope maybe we will get along better now. I love you