My beautiful daughter

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Well, it's January again. 8 long years have passed since I saw your beautiful face or heard your sweet voice. I miss you so much, I never knew there was such pain in this world. I long for the day when we will meet again. The smell of your perfume.....the sound of your voice. I see signs of you and I know you are with me. Thank you for sending me those signs to help me through the difficult days. I will never forget the last time I saw you running out the front door. Or hearing your voice over the phone that fateful afternoon. I remember the shirt you had on. I remember you and Sam sitting at the computer. I wish I could turn back the clock and do that afternoon all over again. I hate that time takes away the memories. Sometimes I can't remember what my life was like "before". I wonder every day what you would be doing. You would be so in love with Serinadee and Katie. Serinadee talks about you and knows you are an angel in Heaven. She talks about going to see you one day. I know you would spoil those girls rotten and they would love you so much. I know you were so good with kids and you would be a wonderful mother. I wish I could have seen you become one. I love you MOM

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Holidays suck

Well, this is the 8th Christmas and it's still as hard as ever. Some times I feel stupid because I feel like after all this time I should be able to handle it better. I try to imagine you coming over for Christmas, playing with Katie and Serinadee, I wonder if you would have a child of your own. Would you be married? Single? Greg and Jenna are having a baby this spring and it hurts to even think about it, I always wonder if you two would have made it. January 17th is slowly approaching and I sure dread that day. I've been having visions of the accident. What you might have experienced that day. I can't imagine the way my poor baby ended up. Laying on that cold ground waiting on someone to come get you. I'm so glad it was Cindy. She told me how she held you and rubbed your tummy. I look back now and wish I could have seen you that night. Felt you while you were still warm. I miss you so much, I never knew the pain could be so harsh and last so long. Losing my parents was painful, but nothing like losing your child. The whole in my heart is so big and empty. I can't wait until we meet again and I can smell your beautiful perfume and see those big blue eyes. Until them my sweet girl, please watch over all of us. Mom loves you to the moon and back.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Always missing you....

I read this today and it made me think....this is exactly how it feels. I will never ever stop missing you. I will never ever stop thinking of you each and every day. I will never ever stop loving you. I will always cherish every second I had with you. I will always keep your memory alive. I will always talk about you and show people your pictures. I will always be so proud of the beautiful young lady that you had become. I miss you with all my heart and soul. MOM "Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them." Richard Gere

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Happy heavenly birthday sweet girl. Wow-I cannot believe you would be 24 years old today. I will always think of you as my sweet 16 young lady. I still listen to your voice mail....you sound like a little girl. I am so glad I have your voice to listen to. I can't imagine what I would do without it. There are so many wonderful family and friends supporting me today and during this month. I am so lucky to have them. I'm determined to make today a good day and not cry too much, but it sure is hard. I just want to celebrate 1 more birthday with you. I want to see those beautiful eyes in person. I want to smell your perfume one more time. I want to feel your warm skin one more time. I want to snuggle with you and watch tv one more time. I know it's selfish because you must be having the most amazing time in Heaven that you would rather be there than anywhere. Serinadee plays with your baby doll bed and so does Katie. I want them to know who you are. Serinadee already knows Jaci lives in Heaven with Jesus and some day we will get to go see you. I will teach Katie all about her Aunt Jaci. Send me some Angel kisses today sweet girl. Mom loves you to the moon and back and around the world. Always and forever until I see your sweet smile again.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Missing you

My sweet baby girl. You cannot imagine how very much I miss you. Every single day there is something that reminds me of you and that beautiful smile. It's so hard to stay strong. It's so hard not to let this whole thing consume me. Even after all these years sometimes that pain is as fresh as it was that day in January. I miss our shopping trips. Those beautiful blue eyes. That smile. Your voice. I still listen to your voicemail. You sound like such a little girl. It's so hard to believe you would be almost 24 years old! A grown woman. I can't imagine what you would be doing and how much you would have changed. I look at Katie and it makes me sad that you are not the one who is raising a daughter. You would be such an amazing mom. You can't believe what an awesome mom Chelsea is. I never would have thought it would be her married with kids. Who knew??? But she and Daniel are awesome parents. You would like Daniel. He's so good for Chelsea. They are a great couple. I love you to the moon and back.

Monday, August 25, 2014


Wow, I can't believe all the things that have been going on since I posted last! Chelsea's baby is due in 8 short weeks! I can't believe it's her and not you having a little girl! Ronnie C came to see me last weekend and he brought his daughter and step daughter...they are so precious. It seems like everywhere I look people are having baby girls and it just reminds me of how good you were with babies and what an awesome mother you would be. Jacob started high school today. It's hard to believe, isn't it. I think about how little he was when you left and how much he loved you...sleeping in your room...watching movies with you. You were like a little mommy to him and he loves you so. I wish he had more memories, but I tell him stuff about you all the time so he will never forget you. I love you baby and miss you with all my heart and soul. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and wonder how different life would be with you here. See you again some day. Mom

Friday, December 20, 2013


I can't believe another Christmas is here-without you. This holiday season has been the hardest in a long time. I went to the cemetary today and I completely failed this year. I did not put out a tree, Christmas flowers or anything. I feel just awful. It just doesn't seem like Christmas this year. I miss you so much-I wish I had just one more Christmas with you. I know you are celebrating with the angels, family and friends, but we sure miss you here. I love you and miss you to the moon and back.