My beautiful daughter

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Hey beautiful girl

I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've written, but I do think about you every single day.  Jacob graduates next week.  I can't believe he's all grown up.  You would be so proud of him, he's such a good kid. I remember when he would want to sleep in your room every night and watch movies with you.  You were such a good big sister. I love the pictures I have of you and him.  He's going to Midwestern and wants to be a detective.  I wonder all the time what you would be doing. Married? Kids? I can't believe Chelsea has 2 kids, I never thought she'd be the mommy type, but she's a wonderful mother.  It makes me so sad to see Jacob doing these things you never got to do...Prom, graduation, college planning.  I've cried so many times the past few months.  Tori is getting married the day after Jacob's graduation and she is playing Stay Beautiful at the reception in remembrance of you.  So many people still honor your memory.  Ronnie includes me in him family activities and come to see me.  I love that he named his baby Jaci.  Him and his wife wear your bracelets every day, so does Ashlynn.  You should see her baby girl, her eyes look like yours. Big and blue with beautiful lashes.  We all miss you terribly.  I can't ever begin to tell you how much it hurts and how this hole in my heart aches for you every minute of every day. I love you to the moon and back and around the world.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Missing you

I was on my way home from work and 2 songs from the funeral played. I'm not sure if it was you telling me it's all ok or what, but I sure do miss you when I hear those songs. I can't believe 8 years have gone by since I last saw your sweet face. I was looking at one of my favorite pictures of you-from our vacation at Terry's-and I just stared at your smile. I didn't realize the beauty you captured in that lovely face and body. I guess sometimes life just gets busy and you don't realize what you have until it's gone. I miss that sweet voice. Your smile, your eyes. Every little thing about you, even your whining and nagging. I would give anything to have those things back. Serinadee talks about you all the time. She used your Easter basket Sunday. She has a picture of you in her room. I know you would absolutely love her. She's so sassy just like you. I taught Katie how to say your name and now when she sees your picture on the refrigerator, she can say your name. I love keeping your memory alive. When Katie is older I will tell her all about you. I love you sweet baby girl and I will see you again one day.

Here we are at Easter, sure wish we had your babies with us. I love you

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Well, it's January again. 8 long years have passed since I saw your beautiful face or heard your sweet voice. I miss you so much, I never knew there was such pain in this world. I long for the day when we will meet again. The smell of your perfume.....the sound of your voice. I see signs of you and I know you are with me. Thank you for sending me those signs to help me through the difficult days. I will never forget the last time I saw you running out the front door. Or hearing your voice over the phone that fateful afternoon. I remember the shirt you had on. I remember you and Sam sitting at the computer. I wish I could turn back the clock and do that afternoon all over again. I hate that time takes away the memories. Sometimes I can't remember what my life was like "before". I wonder every day what you would be doing. You would be so in love with Serinadee and Katie. Serinadee talks about you and knows you are an angel in Heaven. She talks about going to see you one day. I know you would spoil those girls rotten and they would love you so much. I know you were so good with kids and you would be a wonderful mother. I wish I could have seen you become one. I love you MOM

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Holidays suck

Well, this is the 8th Christmas and it's still as hard as ever. Some times I feel stupid because I feel like after all this time I should be able to handle it better. I try to imagine you coming over for Christmas, playing with Katie and Serinadee, I wonder if you would have a child of your own. Would you be married? Single? Greg and Jenna are having a baby this spring and it hurts to even think about it, I always wonder if you two would have made it. January 17th is slowly approaching and I sure dread that day. I've been having visions of the accident. What you might have experienced that day. I can't imagine the way my poor baby ended up. Laying on that cold ground waiting on someone to come get you. I'm so glad it was Cindy. She told me how she held you and rubbed your tummy. I look back now and wish I could have seen you that night. Felt you while you were still warm. I miss you so much, I never knew the pain could be so harsh and last so long. Losing my parents was painful, but nothing like losing your child. The whole in my heart is so big and empty. I can't wait until we meet again and I can smell your beautiful perfume and see those big blue eyes. Until them my sweet girl, please watch over all of us. Mom loves you to the moon and back.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Always missing you....

I read this today and it made me think....this is exactly how it feels. I will never ever stop missing you. I will never ever stop thinking of you each and every day. I will never ever stop loving you. I will always cherish every second I had with you. I will always keep your memory alive. I will always talk about you and show people your pictures. I will always be so proud of the beautiful young lady that you had become. I miss you with all my heart and soul. MOM "Someday you will be faced with the reality of loss. And as life goes on, days rolling into nights, it will become clear that you never really stop missing someone special who’s gone, you just learn to live around the gaping hole of their absence. When you lose someone you can’t imagine living without, your heart breaks wide open, and the bad news is you never completely get over the loss. You will never forget them. However, in a backwards way, this is also the good news. They will live on in the warmth of your broken heart that doesn’t fully heal back up, and you will continue to grow and experience life, even with your wound. It’s like badly breaking an ankle that never heals perfectly, and that still hurts when you dance, but you dance anyway with a slight limp, and this limp just adds to the depth of your performance and the authenticity of your character. The people you lose remain a part of you. Remember them and always cherish the Good moments spent with them." Richard Gere

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Happy heavenly birthday sweet girl. Wow-I cannot believe you would be 24 years old today. I will always think of you as my sweet 16 young lady. I still listen to your voice mail....you sound like a little girl. I am so glad I have your voice to listen to. I can't imagine what I would do without it. There are so many wonderful family and friends supporting me today and during this month. I am so lucky to have them. I'm determined to make today a good day and not cry too much, but it sure is hard. I just want to celebrate 1 more birthday with you. I want to see those beautiful eyes in person. I want to smell your perfume one more time. I want to feel your warm skin one more time. I want to snuggle with you and watch tv one more time. I know it's selfish because you must be having the most amazing time in Heaven that you would rather be there than anywhere. Serinadee plays with your baby doll bed and so does Katie. I want them to know who you are. Serinadee already knows Jaci lives in Heaven with Jesus and some day we will get to go see you. I will teach Katie all about her Aunt Jaci. Send me some Angel kisses today sweet girl. Mom loves you to the moon and back and around the world. Always and forever until I see your sweet smile again.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Missing you

My sweet baby girl. You cannot imagine how very much I miss you. Every single day there is something that reminds me of you and that beautiful smile. It's so hard to stay strong. It's so hard not to let this whole thing consume me. Even after all these years sometimes that pain is as fresh as it was that day in January. I miss our shopping trips. Those beautiful blue eyes. That smile. Your voice. I still listen to your voicemail. You sound like such a little girl. It's so hard to believe you would be almost 24 years old! A grown woman. I can't imagine what you would be doing and how much you would have changed. I look at Katie and it makes me sad that you are not the one who is raising a daughter. You would be such an amazing mom. You can't believe what an awesome mom Chelsea is. I never would have thought it would be her married with kids. Who knew??? But she and Daniel are awesome parents. You would like Daniel. He's so good for Chelsea. They are a great couple. I love you to the moon and back.