Valentine's day

Happy Valentines day sweet girl. Wow, having a really hard day for some reason. Keep remembering how I had already picked out what to get you for Valentine's day (pink ear buds to match your new I-Pod). First time I had picked out something so early. I miss you so much. I can't believe it's been 4 years and you'd be 21 this year. I miss watching you grow up, going shopping, even watching you throw your little tantrums!!! I love you so much baby girl and miss you with every ounce of my being. Can't wait to see you again.

Grave Blanket

I wanted to make you a red heart grave blanket, I'm so sorry I didn't get it done, I had to work all weekend and ran out of time. I did get a new lighted cross and will get it out today. Your spot at the cemetary is beautiful, just like you, and eventhough you aren't there, I love it when people put things out in rememberence of you. I love you Jaci Lee Payton.

January 17, 2012

Well, today is the 4th anniversary of Jaci's departure to heaven. I think this year is even worse than last year and I thought it was supposed to get easier as time went on??!!! I am so proud that there are so many people that have kept her in their hearts after all this time. She had so many friends and touched so many lives in her short time on earth. She was an amazingly wonderful person inside and out. I love you so much and would give anything to have you back in my arms, even for a minute. I know we will be reunited one day-and I can't wait for that time to get here. I try to remember that you are the lucky one, to be first to get to heaven, but my selfish side wants you back here with us. I will do my best to stay strong today, but please tell those angels up there I need help! I love you to the moon and back baby girl and I'll see you again some day. Mom

January again...

Well, baby girl, January comes around again. It seems like yesterday it was January 2011! I hate this month and everything about it. Absolutely everything reminds me of you. Calendars, clocks, phones, I mean everything! And sometimes I'm in the most unusual places when it hits me and it hurts so much. I'm trying to make 2012 a better year, to hand everything over to God and let him help me deal with the pain, but it sure is hard, I miss you with all my heart, soul and body. We all do. Dylan moved out this week and it hurts so much to have another child leave home. But I hope maybe we will get along better now. I love you

Missing you

With this being the anniversary of Courtney, Shanne and Mike's death, it brings back so many memories. I miss you so much it's almost unbearable some days. I would just give anything to hold you one more time, to snuggle on your bed, to take you shopping, to hug your neck or kiss your check or most of all hear you say I love you. I cherish the memories, but NOTHING is like the real thing. I miss you so much and love you with all my heart. Until we meet again.....

Another Birthday comes around...

Well, here it is, September again already. 2 weeks from tomorrow would be Jaci's 20th birthday. I cannot believe she would be all grown up and on her own. As the 23rd gets closer and closer, the hole in my heart aches more and more. Below is something I posted on Facebook a while back.

Just realized that I'm always wanting time to hurry up, wishing it was 5 o'clock, or Friday, then I realized as time goes by, the days, weeks, years, it takes away the ability to remember her as well as I once could. The sound of her voice, the way she walked, the way she smelt, are harder to recall now They say time heals, I disagree, you learn to live without them, but never heal. Time is a cruel thing. It robs your heart of the ability to remember as clearly with each passing minute. Live every minute to the fullest-never wish it away...cherish every minute with your loved ones, for you never know which one will be your last....I love you JACI LEE PAYTON

One of those days...

Wow, I can't believe so much time has passed since I last posted. Today has just been one of those days so I thought I'd get on and write a little and see if that helps. I was looking at pictures of Jaci today-she was such a beautiful young lady. I try to imagine how much her looks would have changed over the past 3 1/2 years. I wonder if she would be in college or would she have chosen a different path. One of her best friends is graduating this week and it brings back so many memories. I still have a hard time believing my daughter is gone. We recently moved about 15 miles away and I thought it would be so hard to pack her room and leave, and don't get me wrong, it was very hard, but somehow I have come to a peaceful place with it. Eventhough I left her room behind, I have all her things in pretty pink tubs and I think it's kinda made it easier for all of us to not walk past her room every day. I don't mean that in a bad way, we miss it, but I think it was time for us all to take that step and sort of move on. One day while moving, I was in the car with a load of things (none of them hers) and I SMELT HER!! I think that was her way of telling me it's ok if you go. It's so nice when I get those occasional wifts of her beautiful smell. So many of her things still smell like her and I love to hold them and remember when I had her here to hold. I miss her so much.