Christmas

I can't believe another Christmas is here-without you. This holiday season has been the hardest in a long time. I went to the cemetary today and I completely failed this year. I did not put out a tree, Christmas flowers or anything. I feel just awful. It just doesn't seem like Christmas this year. I miss you so much-I wish I had just one more Christmas with you. I know you are celebrating with the angels, family and friends, but we sure miss you here. I love you and miss you to the moon and back.

October-brings back lots of memories

Wow, what an emotional month. This month holds lots of hard days for many of my friends and for myself. I'm going to borrow a word I read on a blogsite called "An inch of gray" when she refers to the anniversary of the loss of her son, that word is "Crapaversary". This month was the "crapaversary" of the passing of 2 of Jaci's friends-they died in a car accident 10 months after Jaci, plus the 10 year crapaversary of the loss of a sweet friend's son-the day before his 10th birthday. The 18th was the heavenly birthday of Kyle, Jaci's boyfriend's best friend, he lost his battle with cancer 5 months after we lost our sweet Jaci. He would be 25. Hard to believe these kids would be grown adults. I still think of them as the age they were when they left us. 2008 was a very tough time for our small community. Seems like from September thru January are such hard months. I do my best to stay busy and hand my grief to God, but even after almost 6 years, it is so hard. Remembering how Jaci loved Thanksgiving-makes that a bittersweet time for me, remember how Jaci always made me take her Christmas shopping so she could make sure everything I got her was just what she wanted, them how she would get mad because I would make her wrap the presents and wait to wear her new clothes until after she unwrapped them. I missed those shopping trips! I miss those temper tantrums! I miss Jaci and my old life.

Well, I can't believe I didn't post on Jaci's Birthday this year (September 23rd). My computer was on the fritz and I couldn't get to the blog. It was a so-so day. I've had better and I've had worse. Birthdays, holidays, or just a random day. It hits you like a ton of bricks. You never know when the smallest thing will trigger a memory that will crush you. Although memories are amazing and I cherish every single one, even the bad ones, but sometimes they can sideswipe you and you are left reeling from the damage. I am truly amazed at how many people remembered my sweet girl with texts or posts on Facebook. You never realize how much someone touches lives until they are gone. We went out the Sunday before her birthday and cleaned up at the wreck site, put new flowers and pics up. I have only been out there a few times in the past 5 1/2 years. It's just so hard to be at the place where she left us. We also put out new pics and cleaned up the cemetary. She has such a beautiful resting place, I love going out and finding new things people have left. Some things are so odd to us (a beer bottle) but I'm sure to her and someone else they have wonderful memories. For now I will cherish the sweet memories of my sweet girl and try not to let them catch me off guard. I love you Jaci Lee.

Beam me up

I heard this song on the radio this morning, and it made me just cry like a baby. It made me think if I just had one minute with Jaci, if I could hold her face in my hands just for a moment, how amazing that would be. The words are just so touching. So if you are up to a good cry, and you haven't heard it, Google Pink's song-Beam me up. If you've lost someone you I, it will definately bring on the tears. "Beam Me Up" There's a whole 'nother conversation going on In a parallel universe. Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts. There's a waltz playin' frozen in time Blades of grass on tiny bare feet I look at you and you're lookin' at me. Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think a minute's enough, Just beam me up. Saw a blackbird soarin' in the sky, Barely a breath I caught one last sight Tell me that was you sayin' goodbye, There are times I feel the shiver and cold, It only happens when I'm on my own, That's how you tell me I'm not alone Could you beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think a minute's enough, Just beam me up. In my head I see your baby blues I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's One of me, with you So when I need you can I send you a sign I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights I'll pick a star and watch you shine Just beam me up, Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it I'd probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face Beam me up, Let me be lighter, I'm tired of being a fighter, I think, a minute's enough, Beam me up Beam me up Beam me up Could you beam me up.

It's crazy how time flies, I can't believe I haven't posted since January. I may not post often, but trust me there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about Jaci.  There is a constant reminder at every turn of every day. I still "smell" her baby powder scent at times and it just reminds me that she will always be with me even if it's not in body but spirit. I love how sometimes just the smallest things can bring back an amazing memory of my sweet girl. My father in law passed away recently, and it made me realize just how precious life can be and how fast someone you love can be taken from you.  So, remember, kiss your loved ones often, tell them you love them daily and never take a moment for granted.  You never know when the last time you see/talk to someone, will actually be the "last" time you see/talk to them! I would have kissed and hugged my baby girl the last time she walked out the front door if I had know it truly was the last time. I love and miss you Jaci Lee.

Crazy week

It has been a crazy week. Last Sunday I found out a friend of mine from high school had passed away in her sleep. Then the following Saturday a famous DJ passed away. Both were very sudden and unexpected. While I hadn't talked to my friend in a while and I didn't personally know the DJ-I listened to him every morning for over 10 years. It made me realize (not that I could ever forget) that life is so precious and we never know when it will be taken from us. Remember to kiss your loved ones every chance you get. Take as many pictures as possible of your kids and cherish every single minute you get with family and loved ones. Live life to the fullest and as Kidd Kraddick always said "Keep looking up, cause that's where it's all at."

I cannot believe it has been 5 years since the last time I saw you. It feels like an eternity-a hundred years since the last time I saw your face or hugged you. It's still so unreal that you are gone. You would be such a beautiful grown up 21 year old young lady. The whole in my heart is just waiting for the day when we will see each other again. I can't wait. I miss you so much it hurts. Love you to the moon and around the world.