January 17, 2010

Well, yesterday was the second anniversary of the loss of my baby girl. I can't believe it's only been 2 years. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I didn't break down one time. I don't know if God's working his healing power or maybe the breakdown will hit me today, tonight, who knows. Maybe all the breakdowns I had last week were enough for the weekend too? I miss her so much, I can't believe how bad it hurts, how empty it leaves you inside. I thought losing my mom was devastating. Man, that was easy compared to this. Two years ago today I started my life without Jaci. 730 days since I last got to see her. It's so hard to imagine life going on without her. But it does and we don't have a choice. I know she is in such a wonderful place now and it's just selfish to want her to be here, but the mommy in me wants her here so I can hug and kiss her again. I see her friends growing up and going on with their lives and it hurts so much to know she isn't alongside them getting to do those same things. I hate thinking that as time goes by people will lose their memory of her. She was such a special person, I just want her memory to live on forever. I was looking around at my small church yesterday morning and realized there are 3 Moms there that share this bond. I see Karen and see that there can be life after this and that you can be happy and have a (somewhat) normal life again someday. I just wish I could get to that point.

726 days and counting....

Sunday will be the second anniversary of loss of my baby girl. 726 days today. The two longest years I can ever imagine, it seems like 2 million years since I got to hug my daughter. To listen to her tell me about her day or hear her and her boyfriend laugh and giggle together. I remember the day before, she cooked supper for us and eventhough it was only Hamburger helper I remember thinking it tasted so good. I remember when she walked out the door-then came running back in because she forgot my car keys, if only I'd known that would be the last time I'd ever see her I'd have stopped her and wrapped my arms around her and never let go. She called me a few minutes later....annoyed with me as usual because I asked her to run an errand for me. An errand that would end her life. Sometimes I wonder what would have changed if I would have been the one to go? Would her precious life have come to an end that day anyway? God was calling her home and she had to go. I miss her so much, the hole is my heart is enormous. I pray for the day when peace will fill it up and overcome me.

We are gathering at the Cemetary Sunday evening to honor her memory.

New pics

I just wanted to share a new pic and poem that I found when going through some more of Jaci's things. It is so hard to believe it is almost 2 years. It feels like a million years ago since I got to wrap my arms around my baby girl or hear her voice (except for her voicemail message). This has been the longest 2 years of my life. I pray she is sitting with Jesus playing with all those babies in heaven and having the most wonderful time. I love you J.

Learner's permit

Today I am taking my son Dylan to get his learner's permit. It reminds me of the day I took Jaci. I remember standing in line with her and then letting her drive home. Maybe I should have been a better teacher and she'd still be here now? I don't know, bringing back so many memories.