October-brings back lots of memories

Wow, what an emotional month. This month holds lots of hard days for many of my friends and for myself. I'm going to borrow a word I read on a blogsite called "An inch of gray" when she refers to the anniversary of the loss of her son, that word is "Crapaversary". This month was the "crapaversary" of the passing of 2 of Jaci's friends-they died in a car accident 10 months after Jaci, plus the 10 year crapaversary of the loss of a sweet friend's son-the day before his 10th birthday. The 18th was the heavenly birthday of Kyle, Jaci's boyfriend's best friend, he lost his battle with cancer 5 months after we lost our sweet Jaci. He would be 25. Hard to believe these kids would be grown adults. I still think of them as the age they were when they left us. 2008 was a very tough time for our small community. Seems like from September thru January are such hard months. I do my best to stay busy and hand my grief to God, but even after almost 6 years, it is so hard. Remembering how Jaci loved Thanksgiving-makes that a bittersweet time for me, remember how Jaci always made me take her Christmas shopping so she could make sure everything I got her was just what she wanted, them how she would get mad because I would make her wrap the presents and wait to wear her new clothes until after she unwrapped them. I missed those shopping trips! I miss those temper tantrums! I miss Jaci and my old life.

Well, I can't believe I didn't post on Jaci's Birthday this year (September 23rd). My computer was on the fritz and I couldn't get to the blog. It was a so-so day. I've had better and I've had worse. Birthdays, holidays, or just a random day. It hits you like a ton of bricks. You never know when the smallest thing will trigger a memory that will crush you. Although memories are amazing and I cherish every single one, even the bad ones, but sometimes they can sideswipe you and you are left reeling from the damage. I am truly amazed at how many people remembered my sweet girl with texts or posts on Facebook. You never realize how much someone touches lives until they are gone. We went out the Sunday before her birthday and cleaned up at the wreck site, put new flowers and pics up. I have only been out there a few times in the past 5 1/2 years. It's just so hard to be at the place where she left us. We also put out new pics and cleaned up the cemetary. She has such a beautiful resting place, I love going out and finding new things people have left. Some things are so odd to us (a beer bottle) but I'm sure to her and someone else they have wonderful memories. For now I will cherish the sweet memories of my sweet girl and try not to let them catch me off guard. I love you Jaci Lee.