Thinking of you

It seems like here lately every time I get in the car I hear a song that reminds me of you. Maybe with the holidays coming up, I'm not sure, but you seem to be on my mind more lately. I miss you so much, I just hate thinking of going thru another year of holidays without you. I am trying to help out with a cause to help prevent distracted driving. I am hoping to help others realize the dangers of distracted driving. Please be with me and give me strength as I try to help others. I love you baby girl

Jaci's Birthday

I can't believe next week my baby girl would be 19 years old! My heart gets heavier as the day approaches! I don't think I'm going to have a gathering like we have in the past, I think I'm just going to go out to the cemetary and update pictures, clean up and spend some quite time there. I got a message on facebook last week from a little girl in my youngest son's class (10 yrs old) that she had been to the cemetary and some of the pictures had fallen over and she had cleaned up some. She then asked if it was ok to put one of Jaci's pictures in her locker at school. I was so touched that after all this time a little girl who barely knew her was still wanting something to remember her by! I gave her one of my favorite pics to put in her locker. I was so touched my the thought of this little girl. I always love it when people talk about her or mention her name, I talk about her often because I don't want people to forget about her. I miss her so much! It's so hard to explain the hole I feel inside-it's a pain so deep I wouldn't want anyone to have to experience.

September again

Well, Jaci's birthday is coming again. I can't believe she would be 19 years old. Wow, she would be a mature young lady. I still see her as a sweet 16 year old girl. I can just see her as she would have walked across that stage at graduation and how she would be now all grown up. I really wish she was here right now to help with her younger brother. He is having so much trouble and I just can't reach him. Please pray for him. Jaci-please give me the strength I need to give him the help he needs. Happy (early) Birthday baby girl-I love you with all my soul.

Another vacation

Just got home from a wonderful vacation, but yet another "Family" activity without Jaci. Went to visit my brother at his house on the lake in Arkansas. Jaci had went with us several years back and I still remember that visit. It's like there's just something missing when we do things together and she's not there with us. I can't believe that in just 2 months she would be turning 19! When I think of her I can't think of her being that age, just a sweet 16 year old. I miss her so much. I love you Jaci!

"Jaci's" Quilt

I finally got my quilt made from pieces of Jaci's clothing and I absolutely love it. The lady who made it did an awesome job. I'm posting pictures so you can see, I wish you could see it in person, because the pictures do not do it justice.

The red outline is from her 8th grade graduation gown. Other pieces include her 8th grade graduation dress, Most beautiful nominee dress, Homecoming nominee dress, baby bloomers, cheerleading suits, basketball suit and pieces of various t-shirts. I love it!

Graduation

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted, although I don't think anyone ever visits my site, sometimes it feels good to write. I have to be in a certain mood to get on here. It's been so hard the past few months, Jaci would be graduation next week! I can't believe it. Got the yearbook and was so proud they included her with her class. A lovely memorial page and included her baby pictures with the rest of the class. It's wonderful that after 2 1/2 years people still remember her. Sometimes I still can't believe it's true and my baby girl is gone. I miss her so much. I love you Jaci Lee!

Valentine's Day

I remember Valentine's day 2008, 28 days after I lost Jaci. I had already planned what I was going to buy her that year for Valentine's day. She had just bought an iPod with a pink cover, I was going to get her the matching pink ear phones. I had actually almost bought them a few times. Now, each year as that day rolls around, I wonder what I would be getting her this year. I miss you so much baby. I can't wait for the day we are together again.

January 17, 2010

Well, yesterday was the second anniversary of the loss of my baby girl. I can't believe it's only been 2 years. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I didn't break down one time. I don't know if God's working his healing power or maybe the breakdown will hit me today, tonight, who knows. Maybe all the breakdowns I had last week were enough for the weekend too? I miss her so much, I can't believe how bad it hurts, how empty it leaves you inside. I thought losing my mom was devastating. Man, that was easy compared to this. Two years ago today I started my life without Jaci. 730 days since I last got to see her. It's so hard to imagine life going on without her. But it does and we don't have a choice. I know she is in such a wonderful place now and it's just selfish to want her to be here, but the mommy in me wants her here so I can hug and kiss her again. I see her friends growing up and going on with their lives and it hurts so much to know she isn't alongside them getting to do those same things. I hate thinking that as time goes by people will lose their memory of her. She was such a special person, I just want her memory to live on forever. I was looking around at my small church yesterday morning and realized there are 3 Moms there that share this bond. I see Karen and see that there can be life after this and that you can be happy and have a (somewhat) normal life again someday. I just wish I could get to that point.

726 days and counting....

Sunday will be the second anniversary of loss of my baby girl. 726 days today. The two longest years I can ever imagine, it seems like 2 million years since I got to hug my daughter. To listen to her tell me about her day or hear her and her boyfriend laugh and giggle together. I remember the day before, she cooked supper for us and eventhough it was only Hamburger helper I remember thinking it tasted so good. I remember when she walked out the door-then came running back in because she forgot my car keys, if only I'd known that would be the last time I'd ever see her I'd have stopped her and wrapped my arms around her and never let go. She called me a few minutes later....annoyed with me as usual because I asked her to run an errand for me. An errand that would end her life. Sometimes I wonder what would have changed if I would have been the one to go? Would her precious life have come to an end that day anyway? God was calling her home and she had to go. I miss her so much, the hole is my heart is enormous. I pray for the day when peace will fill it up and overcome me.

We are gathering at the Cemetary Sunday evening to honor her memory.

New pics

I just wanted to share a new pic and poem that I found when going through some more of Jaci's things. It is so hard to believe it is almost 2 years. It feels like a million years ago since I got to wrap my arms around my baby girl or hear her voice (except for her voicemail message). This has been the longest 2 years of my life. I pray she is sitting with Jesus playing with all those babies in heaven and having the most wonderful time. I love you J.

Learner's permit

Today I am taking my son Dylan to get his learner's permit. It reminds me of the day I took Jaci. I remember standing in line with her and then letting her drive home. Maybe I should have been a better teacher and she'd still be here now? I don't know, bringing back so many memories.