Second Christmas without her.....

Well, this is the second Christmas without Jaci. I think I did pretty good until today. I was in the kitchen getting the food ready and it just hit my, that a member of my family won't be here with us and I broke down. We were taking pics in front of the tree and I remember when she would be in the pics too. she always hated it of course. I wonder what I would have gotten her this year?? Clothes as always I'm sure. She never would let me pick anything out so I had to take her shopping and let her pick them out and then I'd have her wrap them and put them under the tree!! I miss our shopping trips....I miss everything about her, even the tantrums. I bet she's having a beautiful Christmas with Jesus. She has everything now she ever wanted. I can't wait to be with her again. I love you Jaci Lee

Lonely night

Well, it's going to be another long night. Took my sleeping medicine and it's just not helping. Was going through some of Jaci's things for the quilt and found a brochure she had made and it talked about her favorite things, etc, I didn't know some of it and it made me sad, I have it on my night stand and I saw it tonight and it got me started thinking about her and now I can't stop. I miss her so much, my heart still aches every day and it's been almost two whole years. Will it ever ease.....will my life ever be better, sometimes I wonder. I just can't stand to think about the things she will never get to do, all her friends are getting ready to graduate and start a whole new stage in their lives. Some have even had babies. I know she would have been a wonderful mother and I hate that she never got to experience that. I so much loved being pregnant. I will never get the chance to help her plan her wedding, pick out her dress and flowers and see her walk down the aisle to the man she loves and wants to spend her life with. But I guess knowing the man she's spending her life with now is Jesus Christ and that is a comfort to know. Please send prayers my way during this holiday season.

Quilt

About a year ago I came up with an idea to have a quilt made of some of Jaci's clothes. I found a lady here in town who actually had lost her son in an accident and she volunteered to make it. Now, almost a year later, I got up the courage to go thru her things, give the lady a call and today she came over and we went thru different patterns and made decisions on design etc. It was hard to watch Jaci's things leave the house, but I can't wait to see the quilt, to wrap up in special memories will all be worth it. I went in her room last night and just sat on her bed and smelt her. I love that her room still smells like her and it's been almost two whole years!! I so dread the day when that smell fades and I lose another piece of her. But for now, I love to open her door and have that smell come over me. Hope everyone has a blessed Christmas.

Lighting of the Angels

Our small town has a ceremony each year where they "light up" an angel in memory of a loved one. Last night we went to the lighting (Jaci actually has 3 Angels-one from us, one from her school and one from her Granny). Here are some pics. You might not can tell, but in one, the wings on 2 angels touch and there is a gold ribbon tying them together, the other angel was a very good friend of Jaci's who died in a car wreck 9 months after Jaci. They are now together forever.

Cruise

Well, we made it back from our cruise, everything was so beautiful. Got sea sick the first night, really bad.....been home 24 hours and still feel like I'm walking crooked! Guiltily, I have to say I actually went 3-4 days in a row without being sad. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I think Jaci would be ok with it that I had a good time and didn't cry once while I was gone. Now I need some time to rest before work Monday.

Best Friends

Here are Jaci and her "Best Buds" Ash, Sam and Court (Court is in heaven with Jaci).

Senior's last pep rally

Today is the senior class's last pep rally (Jaci's class) I am going (hoping I can get the courage to go at least). They are showing a slide show and she is in it and they are forming a circle and singing the school song and leaving a spot open between 2 friends where she would be standing. I know I will be bawling like a baby, but I don't feel like I can miss it......please pray to give me strength.

Well I made it, had a small break down but not too bad, that's me on the far left (red shirt)by the boy in the jersey , that's Ty, he was like a brother to Jaci, they were so close. You'll also notice a space between the cheerleader and the dark haired girl in the gray shirt, that was a place for Courtney. She is in heaven with Jaci, they were very good friends, she died in a car accident 10 months after Jaci.

Pictures

I guess because I'm missing her sooo much today, I just wanted to put up some more pics of her. She was always being so silly for the camera.

Cruise

I am counting down the days until my husband and I leave on our cruise to Key West and Cozumel. (We leave next Monday!) But while I wanted this week to be an exciting one, counting the days, getting everything ready, it has been a very hard week for me, I am missing Jaci so much, I keep thinking about this new adventure-and think that my baby will never get to go somewhere so fun and beautiful, she never even got a chance to fly in an airplane! There were so many things she didn't get to do, get married, experience the wonderment of being pregnant and holding that precious baby in your arms. I know she would have made a wonderful mom, I can just see her up there playing with all those babies. I love you baby girl, watch over us and give me strength. I'm sure where you are is so much more beautiful than any of us can begin to imagine.

My step daughter-Chelsea

This is my step-daughter Chelsea. She is 18, graduated from high school this past June and moved out on her own in August. I would like for you to help us pray for Chelsea. She is not doing very well right now, not making wise, adult decisions. I am afraid she is heading down the wrong path and I don't know what to do. She had plans to attend college and we were so excited and proud, but a few months before graduation, everything changed, she started skipping school, lost interest and now everything has just changed so much. She and Jaci were only about 6 weeks apart in age, but as different as night and day! I think she has a hard time with all that, they were not close and I think she regrets that now that it's too late to change it. It's been an adjustment for us all. The picture is with her dad at her high school graduation this past June.

Homecoming

I was looking through some pictures this morning and saw this one and just had to post it, it's such a different look than the pics I have posted of Jaci. She was a homecoming queen nominee in October 2007, although she didn't win, I think she was the most beautiful one there!! But you can see for yourself.

My oldest son-Dylan

This is Dylan, he and Jaci are from a previous marriage. He turned 15 in July. Dylan has really been a challenge, he is ALL BOY. Seems like he's constantly getting into trouble of some sort. I do love him with all my heart and know that he hurts so much from the loss of his big sister, they were so close. He's at an age where he just doesn't open up-I try so hard to get him to talk to me, but he holds it all in. So I pray a lot for him. This picture is from last month when we went bowling. It's so nice when Dylan and his little brother get along (doesn't happen often), so I had to capture it on camera!

My other children

I haven't talked much about the rest of my family, so I thought I'd start with my youngest. This is Jacob, he turned 9 in June. He is the only child that my husband and I have together. Jaci and my other son are from my previous marriage and I also have a step daughter. Jacob is a momma's boy! It drives my husband crazy, but I love it. Eventhough they share lots in common, such as Playstation and football, we know when it comes down to it, it's mom he wants. Jacob is a lot like his dad, they both spoil me and are always there for me. After the accident, they always made sure I wasn't alone. Jacob would worry about going to a friend's house if it meant leaving me home alone, isn't that sweet. He is such a joy, spoiled rotten!! But a joy. Here's a pic of him jammin' (he also gets that from his dad).

Prayer

I know I already posted once today, but I guess I'm making up for the times I go weeks without posting! But I am so proud of my family and had to blog about it. I have been praying for quite some time that we could start praying as a family, my teenage son is not at all interested in church, prayer and anything of the sort, my 9 year old does pretty good, my hubby (God bless him) goes to church and everything with me, but I know struggles, but for 2 nights in a row we have prayed ALL TOGETHER AS A FAMILY, the first night my husband actually said the prayer-a hugh step for him, and the second my 9 year old. I am so happy.

Playlist added

Well thanks to a wonderful new friend, I learned how to post a playlist on my blog!! You'll notice I copied several songs from Angie Smith's blog, if you're not familiar with her, she is such a wonderful, inspirational woman, her site is "audreycaroline.blogspot.com. The Taylor Swift songs are Jaci's favorite and the Chris Tomlin, Chris Rice and Natalie Grant songs are from her funeral. I want to thank my sister for introducing me to those wonderful songs. They were just right for her. Thank again Joy for you wonderfully step by step instructions, they were perfect.

Help

I would love to add a playlist to my blog but have no idea, can someone help me?

Good days....Bad days

For some reason, seems like the bad days are once again starting to out weigh the good ones. I know some of you may think I've lost my mind, but sometimes when I'm at home sitting on the couch reading or watching tv, I actually watch a whiff of my daughter! It's the same smell that overwhelms me when I walk in her room, a mixture of Holister perfume and baby powder. I love the smell and dread the day when that smell leaves her room. But Sunday morning at church, for the first time, I smelt her somewhere besides our home. I kept smelling her all during the service, I guess maybe she was there with me. I hope so. I miss her so much. Am I crazy or does anyone else have those experiences??/

October 14 2008 anniversary

Well, yesterday was the one year anniversary of the SECOND accident that rocked our small community. The accident involved the father of Jaci's best friend as well as a good friend of Jaci's. Both died at the scene as well as another student from our town. One girl did survive, but will be disabled the rest of her live. After only 9 months of trying to recover from Jaci's accident, we were all devastated at this. I ask that you pray for all involved-especially Jaci's best friend, losing Jaci was so tramatic for her, but then 9 short months later she loses her father as well as 2 more classmates. She is a wonderful young lady and I worry so much about her. Please remember our town and so many who have been affected by these losses.

Finding my faith

Every since reading Angie Smith's blog site, I have been working so hard to "Find my Faith" and remain true to it. Isn't it hard? Everyday living just seems to get in the way. We stay so busy with work, kids, hubbys, homework, housework that I know I forget to even think about God or pray. At the end of the day I think to myself that I haven't even let God enter my mind all day and it makes me sad. So I'm asking for prayers to help me with this. I think having strong faith helps to deal with the problems/trials you come across everyday. I know I've been a little more at ease with the pain of losing Jaci since my faith has improved. Hope everyone has a great weekend. God bless!

Jaci's Birthday

Well, I actually did better than I thought I would. I made it thru Jaci's 18th Birthday and only broke down once!! And that was at the gathering we had at the cemetary. Everything turned out really nice. We had made a cd of her favorite songs and played that, I made a poster board with pics of her since she was a baby up until her teen years. I handed out red roses and we laid those on her grave. I also had little picture books made with our fav pics and gave those out. We released 18 red balloons. I wanted it to be a happy time, to remember all the happy times, but I just couldn't control the emotions and did break down. I think my faith is stronger and that contributed to my strength that day.

Jaci's Birthday

Well, this is the week. In 2 days my baby would be 18 years old. It's hard to believe I'm old enough for that!!! We have some pretty special things planned for that day. I'm trying to turn it over to God and let him lead me through this week, as well as the ones to follow.

Hello

Hello, and welcome to my blog. Wow, my very first blog. This "blog" thing is still new to me so for now I'm just going to say hello and welcome. I am hoping to connect with other parents who are in the same situation as I am and welcome comments, suggestions, etc.